The Facebook Conundrum

Posted: May 10, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I’m struggling with something I never thought I would struggle with, and I’m not really sure what to do about it.

Surely I’m not the only one having this conversation with their significant other…and you’d think as a collective whole we’d have figured out a sneaky and/or ingenious way around this impasse by now.

But I have not.

When do you make the transition into official Facebook couple status?

And what do you do when one of you wants to make that move, and the other doesn’t….but both of you are struggling to articulate why?

I’ve been seeing new boyfriend for about six months now. We met in early December at a Christmas party, where we got started talking because as I innocently crossed through the kitchen for another Coke Zero, one of the hosts, who was in the kitchen chatting with not-yet-boyfriend about cars, mentioned that I happen to own a really big truck.

I love my really big truck.

Not-yet-boyfriend also has a really big truck.

We started talking, and ended up heading out about the same time at the end of the night. I believe my final words as we headed to different ends of the cul de sac were “Add me on Facebook, if you want to…” and he said he would. As I was sitting in my big truck waiting for my windshield to defrost, he pulled up next to me in his big truck; because his big truck is a diesel (i.e. loud), I climbed up on the running board so we could talk, and that went on until 1 in the morning or so. When I finally got back into my big truck, it was nice and warm, with a fully defrosted windshield…

Not-yet-boyfriend and I became Facebook friends about ten minutes after that, and by the end of the next week had gone on a real datey-date. I drove home after it hoping he liked me as much as I liked him, because I knew I was screwed if he didn’t…

Lucky for me, he felt the same way. The next week, we had one more amazing date, shared a sweet first kiss at 2am, and then I got on a plane for London to spend Christmas with my best friend. My two-plus weeks in Britain were a series of Facebook conversations with then-pretty-much-boyfriend, and we shared a lot of things with each other in conversations where we talked about what went wrong before and what we really want out of life now that it’s taking a new course. I woke up every morning to youtube links of cute songs and emoticon smiley faces, and that was everything I wanted. So you might say Facebook really facilitated the first three weeks or so of our relationship ((thanks, Facebook)).

That was in December. Boyfriend and I have been pretty inseparable ever since. And because we’re both getting kind of old, we’ve skipped a lot of the drama I remember being part of starting a new relationship the last time I did it. We just talked about what we wanted, and moved forward from there. We don’t really fight as much as talk through things, and if we disagree, we sit down and try to figure out why. It’s refreshing and healthy, and all I could ask for.

And there have been challenges… Boyfriend just got divorced. I will be posting more about dating a divorced guy…for the most part, I find it has actually helped our relationship, because the experience has made him very aware of the consequences of not working through things, and if anything it has enhanced his natural propensity toward being very patient and understanding. I appreciate this.

We have only one impasse…

I’m ready to claim our relationship on the Facebook. I wasn’t when we started dating, and I assumed it would take some time before he was. There is something to be said, I think, for keeping some things private for a while.

But I’m ready now.

He isn’t.

And I cannot find a way out of this conundrum, because neither of us can really explain WHY we feel the way we do. I don’t want to feel like he’s hiding me. He doesn’t want to feel pressured. Who wins this one?

This came to a head for me last week, on boyfriend’s birthday when a random person (who is clearly not THAT good of a friend, or she would know this $#!%) posted on his timeline a message to the effect of “Have a great Birthday with that lovely wife of yours!”

We talked about it. He ended up deleting the post, but the bigger issue for me is…I’m awesome. Shouldn’t he WANT to correct this person, and inform people who don’t know that he does not have this wife, anymore….he has me?

I’ve met his whole family, and I consider that significant. Clearly, I’m important to him if he wants me to be involved with them. But at the same time, these are the people that will support, non-judgmentally, anything that makes him happy. Is he afraid of the judgment that might come with putting our relationship on Facebook? Is it too soon? How long do you wait?

At the bottom of all this, I realize I’m hurt because I feel like he isn’t taking my feelings seriously, and that is something we’ll need to address. But then I feel silly because….how worked up is it appropriate to get over Facebook??

For those of us old enough to remember life pre-Facebook, it seems a little strange that it has become this much of a defining factor in our daily existence. But it has, and if that changes the parameters of what my relationship looks like, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate and set some healthy boundaries on it. But I also think that if Facebook is going to be part of our lives, then it makes sense to try and be on the same page with what we put on there.

What I really don’t understand is that boyfriend claims he is fine with posting pictures, and with status updates, and even said it wouldn’t bother him if I posted on there in a status that he is my boyfriend…..so if that’s the case, why not just update it?? He can’t have it both ways…Facebook can’t be so unimportant it doesn’t matter, but important enough he wants to set limits on how our relationship looks on there because he clearly cares what people are going to think.

….right??

I’m still trying to wrap my little brain around this one.

At times like this, it’s important to focus on the positive. Boyfriend and I are incredibly supportive and understanding of each other in general, and I’m confident that at some point we will work our way through this. The challenge for me is doing with with my big girl panties on, and for him it’s going to be acknowledging how he really feels about his relationship to Facebook, which I think he’s still fighting a little bit.

Watching some cars get smashed in the sunshine this weekend might prove to be incredibly cathartic. And maybe I’ll get a good profile picture out of it.

That’s all for now. I have to go check my Facebook and get to work…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s