Long Week

Posted: April 8, 2011 in anxiety, trauma

I’ve been meaning to post for a few days…it’s just been one of those crazy weeks where every time I remember I want to do something, I get distracted by something else. It’s been very overwhelming. I’m in the process of getting paperwork filed and letters sent to change my program adviser, and while getting that out of the way is going to feel awesome, it’s also a pretty scary thing. I’m not sure how my former adviser is going to react, and uncertainty is always a little nerve wracking. At this point, I’m guessing that the best I can hope for is the silent treatment. That will be pretty much what I’ve been getting for the past year, so the only real change will be that Professor X will be on campus more to give me the face to face silent treatment. Awesome.

In more positive news, things are going well with my band. We’re on track to have almost 20 songs down by this weekend, and our practices have had an overwhelmingly positive vibe that I feel really good about. Tonight’s practice was the first really challenging one, and I didn’t feel like my voice was at its strongest. Intellectually I’ve known there would be days like this when I started doing the band thing again – in a way, I’m glad to have had a sort of off night and have it out of the way. They are inevitably going to happen, and the best thing I can do for myself is to learn how to handle them with a positive attitude and work on moving forward. So far, I’m right on track for doing that, so it’s just a matter of staying focused on the important things. In the big picture, one bad practice isn’t the end of the world. One of the truly awesome things about my band mates is that they don’t expect perfection without hard work, and they’re willing to invest the time necessary for real fundamental improvement. It’s a really positive learning experience for me to work with people who can help me learn how to be the best me/lead singer possible.

I do notice a lot of self-doubt creeping in. Most of the time I can compartmentalize it as OCD brain or trauma brain, recognize the thoughts, and move on with my day. I think a major hurdle with getting through this challenge will be just getting some more time invested in it. I need some time to get used to the idea that practices aren’t always going to be perfect. There are going to be off days, and bad days, and there will also be a lot of good ones. One bad practice isn’t going to be the end of things. One bad practice won’t be the end of the band. This is one of those things where, since I’ve worked really hard for it, I’m doubly afraid of something destroying it, since that has been my experience in the past – I fall in love with something, and then the next thing I know, something has happened to screw it up. My therapist says it’s my trauma brain kicking in and preparing for the worst. The real challenge for me then, as I see it, is understanding that bad things happen, but having faith in the fact that I’m going to be able to take what comes.

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