Dealing With Disappointment…Again…

Posted: November 25, 2010 in anxiety, depression, disappointment
Tags: , ,

…and again…

Disappointment sucks. Everyone has to deal with it; it’s a fact of life. I sometimes feel like I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to manage the aftereffects of crushing disappointment. It’s one of those things…as I’ve gotten healthier, I’ve learned better responses to deal with my disappointment. I recognize that disappointment is normal and it’s healthy to learn how to work through the negative emotions that it brings up.

But here’s the thing: it still sucks.

No matter how healthy I get, it will always suck. It’s one of the things that will always be a factor in life. That in and of itself is a little disappointing. Lame.

When I was seventeen, a teacher told me to always remember that “attitude is the only thing 100% in your control.” It’s advice that has floated around in the back of my mind ever since. And it is excellent advice. Putting it into practice, however, is the hard part.  I have a chance to do it right now, and so far, I’m admittedly not doing a very good job.

I had an audition on Saturday for a band that I really (really) wanted to get into. It was made up of experienced musicians that I could have learned a lot from. At the same time, since they were all in or approaching their 50’s, it wouldn’t have been a band that would have ever left the local area. I put up a good front. I sang my heart out. I was myself, and I was honest. I hit my high notes and had fun. Most importantly, maybe, I actually followed through at did this, and wasn’t a bundle of nerves. That in and of itself is a big accomplishment for me, and I’m proud of it.

I knew when I left, though, that something wasn’t working in my favor. It was just a sinking feeling. The band all expressed positive feedback, gave me half a dozen new songs to learn, and claimed to be excited to work with me in the future…but somehow, I just knew, something wasn’t right. I spent all day Sunday and Monday tied up in knots waiting to hear from them.

They finally emailed me today to say that they’ve decided to continue their search for a singer. No explanation, just rejection. Strangely, I feel better. It’s better to know than to wonder in some cases…at least, it’s easier on the nerves.  Unfortunately, I had very few nerves left by the time I got the email to day. So…in the past 12 hours, I’ve snapped at my boyfriend half a dozen times, cried because little things triggered my emotions, and yelled over a particularly recalcitrant sweet potato. But I’m okay. And it’s going to be hard, but I’m going to be able to use this experience to push forward and come out better than before.

But yes, it still sucks.


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